I Now Pronounce You Ron & Draco
by seanbiggerstaffrox
Summary: Due to a new Wizard Law Ron & Draco are being forced to marry. Pairing: Measley of course Malfoy/Weasley
1. Chapter 1 Rewrite

**A/N: Hey guys, so I'm actually RE-WRITING this story. I would have posted this earlier but FF wouldn't let me upload it until now. But, now that I've figured out the problem, I can reupload chapters more quickly. Anyway, I wrote this story amidst some health issues so the later chapters got weird but I'm feeling better so it won't be so...odd. It's still humour though, so don't worry. Anyway, enjoy and review!**

**I Now Pronounce You Ron & Draco**

**Chapter One:**

_Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, _

_According to the new Wizarding law, Number 3, 465 section B13, also known as the Wizard Bloodline Purification Act, once a witch or wizard is of age it is his obligation to marry another of age pureblood within 6 months of his turning 17. If he does not comply he will face a heavy fine and up to ten years in Azkaban. Afterwards, if he is still unwilling to perform his duties, he may be banned from the Wizarding World and condemned to a pure muggle life. He will have his trace re-activated and if he ever performs magic again, he will be put to death. _

_Also corresponding with the law it is the Ministry's job to pick the witch or wizard whom your song or daughter marries so as to keep peace amongst the Wizarding world as some may tend to compete for a specific witch or wizard with whom they wish to marry. _

_As it has come to our attention that your son, Ronal Bilius Weasley, is to be turning 17 in a few weeks and, it being so close to the start of school, we have arranged for his marriage to be on his birthday. We regret to inform you that there were not other pure bloods available and, as his six months was nearly running out, Ron is set to be married to Draco Abraxas Malfoy._

_Sincerely,_

_Sheila Crabbings,_

_Head of the Department of Wizarding Marriage_

Molly Weasley sat in the kitchen of Number 12 Grimmauld place, head in her hands as the members of the order sat around her, faces full of shock, horror, and incredulity.

"Molly? Molly dear. We have to have known this would happen." Arthur said calmly, trying to comfort his wife.

"My baby. My poor, poor baby." Molly muttered, shaking her head.

"Molly, it'll be alright." Arthur reassured.

"Arthur, how can you say that? We have to do something about this! We can't just let this happen!" Molly shrieked, obviously distraught.

"If I thought I could do anything to help him trust me, I would. I don't want him marrying that…scum more than you do." Arthur closed his eyes and sighed. "Ron's a strong boy, Molly. He'll get through this, he always does."

"Malfoy. Draco fucking Malfoy." Sirius muttered, turning the attention from the Weasley parents to himself. "I don't believe I've ever had the displeasure of meeting my cousin but if he's anything like his parents we've got to get Ron out of that marriage."

"Sirius, you're not helping." Remus lectured.

"Sorry, Remus."

"And in answer to your question, he's like a pure evil mini-Lucius with no self control."

"Remus!" Minerva scolded from where she was trying to comfort Molly. Sirius looked at Remus with an amused smile.

"What? He is." Remus protested, sheepishly.

"I don't thin this should be our main focus right now." Mad-eye said from his spot at the end of the table. "Don't you realize what this means?" He gestured at the letter only to be met with blank faces. "It means Voldemort has even more control of the Ministry than we previously thought. New laws pairing purebloods only with purebloods, it gives him a chance to make his Death Eater army even stronger. The muggle born and half blood's will have to register so the Ministry will know who is pureblood and who isn't. That would allow Voldemort to identify the 'dirt' amongst society. Voldemort's army is growing bigger."

The mood around the table became more somber and morose as each member was overcome with this dark realization.

**Line Break:**

Ron awoke the next morning to the sound of movements down below and the smell of food reaching his nostrils. Crawling out of bed he yawned and pulled on some jeans and an orange Chudley Cannon's t-shirt. Glancing over at Harry's bed he saw that it was empty and checked the time. 9:30 am. Damn early risers.

Softly shuffling down the stairs he went into the kitchen to a sense of foreboding. The adults all looked sad and were very silent. Ginny, Harry, and Hermione sat at one end of the table whispering to each other worriedly. As his mom turned from the stove of the oven he was shocked to see that she had bags under her eyes and they were red and puffy.

"Ron, good of you to join us. Breakfast?" She asked, voice wavering slightly.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

Everyone looked at him in a mixture of shock (Ginny, Harry, and Hermione) and worry (everybody else.) Molly's face fell a bit before she plastered on that fake smile again.

"Nothing. Nothing's wrong honey." She said, voice shaking slightly.

"Don't lie to me. What's wrong? Does it have to do with Harry?" He asked, giving his friend an apprehensive look. He walked the rest of the way into the room, standing almost protectively near his friend. "Is it you-know-who?" He didn't miss the flinch everyone gave at the question.

"Oh no, no, no dear. It has nothing to do with Harry." Molly said regretfully and Ron felt relief mix with his anxiety.

"Well what is it then?" He asked, though a part of him told him that he didn't want to hear the answer.

"It's noth-" Molly started, but Arthur interrupted her.

"We're going to have to tell him eventually, Molly." Arthur sighed from the table.

"Arthur." Molly hissed angrily.

"Molly." Arthur responded sternly. They both stared at each other, seeming to have a silent discussion. "We agreed this morning that we weren't going to spring this on him last minute." Arthur finally said, voice weary.

"Would someone please tell me what's going on?" Ron spoke up in frustration.

Molly sighed in defeat before pulling a crumpled piece of paper out of her pocket and handing it to Ron. Sitting down at the table he unfolded the parchment and Ginny, Hermione, and Harry read over his shoulder.

By the time Ron reached the end of the letter all colour had drained form his face and he looked as if he'd seen a ghost.

"What the bloody hell!" Ron cried, looking up at his parents furiously.

"The Wizard Purification Act? There was nothing about it in the Daily Prophet." Hermione said in confusion.

"Well…there was but…" Arthur paused, hesitant.

"But what?" Harry asked, brows furrowing.

"But we…" Arthur gestured to the Order, all of whom were looking guilty. "Well, you see, we didn't think it would stick. And we…" He trailed off.

"You kept us from learning about it?" Hermione exclaimed, horror and betrayal laced in her voice.

The Order glanced at each other. They all looked ashamed.

"You have to believe us. We truly thought it best that none of you knew of the occurrence." Professor McGonagall, who'd stayed quiet up until now, voiced her own guilt gently.

The children sat quietly, a shared feeling of anger surrounding them as they realized how much information was being kept from them. The adults merely waited as several moments went by. Surprisingly, Ron was the one to speak first.

"This is terrible. With this they'll be able to pair pure blood Dumbledore supporters with Death eaters." Ron said in horror. "It's actually rather clever." Ron said as an afterthought.

"What?" Harry exclaimed.

"Ron, how can you say that? This is horrible!" Hermione cried.

"I think the shock of having to marry Malfoy killed the brain cells he had left." Ginny added.

"No, don't you see? If Dumbledore supporters marry Death Eaters there's a possibility of finding out what we're planning. The only flaw is that it works both ways but if they manage to convince us there they're right then we'll five away all information and join the Death Eater army, making them stronger than ever. If we don't comply they can jut torture or kill us, silently getting the opponent out of the way. Also, by making me, Harry Potter's best friend, marry Draco Malfoy, whose father is a known Death Eater, they can get information on Harry. Keeping me close to Death Eaters allows them to monitor my actions and possibly find Harry. And, since we all know that after I marry Malfoy there's no way he'd live at the burrow, I'll probably have to go to on of the Malfoy estates where they can keep me close and torture me for information. It's brilliant!" Ron said, face glowing with excitement as it always did when he talked about strategy.

Everyone's attention was turned from him when they heard a sob at the end of the table. Molly Weasley was sitting with her face in her hands, shoulders shaking.

"Mum!" Ron exclaimed, looking at his mother guiltily. "I'm sorry." He said, looking over at Hermione desperately and hissing, "What did I do?"

Hermione rolled her eyes and gave an exasperated sigh. Getting up she went over to Molly and hugger her. "It's alright, Mrs. Weasley. Ron'll be fine." She said softly.

Ron suddenly let out a yelp and crumpled to the floor, head in his hands.

"Ron?" Harry asked, rushing over to his friend.

Everyone looked over in concern.

"Ron? Are you alright? What is it? Are you hurt?" Harry asked, looking confused and unsure of what to do.

"I'm…marrying…Malfoy." Ron muttered weakly, collapsing onto the ground and laying prone.

As everyone stared at Ron's limp form the total reality of the situation finally kicked in. They all then felt the desire to take on a similar position as Ron. Everyone spent the rest of the day in relative shock, either sitting down, rocking back and forth, or crying. In some cases all three.

The rest of the week passed relatively the same as everyone felt a cloud of misery overcome Number 12 Grimmauld Place. Well, to be fair, it was always fairly miserable. But now Mrs. Black's screaming portrait was a happy distraction in comparison to the total depression of the house's occupants. Ron, however, was the worst.

As the days passed slowly everyone found that Ron's mood got worse and worse. He refused to talk to anybody, especially Harry, and when he did talk to people once events of the Wizarding World or the Light side's plans were brought up, he would immediately leave the room. He kept to himself most of the time and frequently they saw him pull out the letter and stare at it in disbelief.

Finally, on the fourth day, Harry managed to corner him in the drawing room.

"Ron."

The boy looked up at him quickly before turning away.

"Ron, come one. Talk to me."

The 16 going on 17-year-old shook his head stubbornly.

"Come one, we're best friends."

"Harry, I can't."

"Why?" Harry asked, sitting down next to him.

"Because…we…we can't be friends anymore." Ron stated.

"Ron, we've been friends since the first day of Hogwarts. That day you sat with me in the compartment you took on a responsibility that you can't back out of now. Face it mate, you're stuck with me." Harry said.

Ron still refused to look at him but Harry saw the fond smile on the boy's face.

"Come on, please." He begged, giving Ron a puppy dog pout.

Ron looked over at him and chuckled.

"Harry, I'm just worried for you, mate. This…This right here," He said, gesturing at the letter in his hand. "This could cause a lot of trouble for you, mate."

"Me?" Harry said with an incredulous laugh. "Why is it always about me? Merlin, Ron, you're the one marrying Malfoy. You're the one who's going head first in to Death Eater territory and you're more worried about someone who's got the best protection in the world breathing down his neck 24/7. You're an idiot, you know that?"

"But-"

"But nothing, Ron." Harry paused slightly, looking at his friend in contemplation. "You remember back in 1st year," He suddenly said, voice somewhat nostalgic. "The life size chess game?"

Ron nodded. "How could I forget?"

"Do you remember what you said to me?" Harry looked at Ron who shook his head. "I tried to stop you from getting taken by the queen and you said "…It's you that has to go on. I _know _it. Not me, not Hermione, YOU." And you were so sure of yourself. You seemed so unstoppable." Harry said fondly.

"I fell to the ground unconscious, mate." Ron said, looking at him incredulously. Harry just chuckled.

"Even when you fell to the ground unconscious, you just seemed so strong. Even then you seemed like nothing would be able to stop you. Because, even though the Queen took you down, you got back up again soon enough. I'm just saying, mate, that when you truly trust in something, nothing can bring you down for long. You're unstoppable."

Ron stared at him contemplatively. "That's a great speech, Harry. Incredibly cheesy, but great." Ron said, smiling at his best friend.

"Thanks, I'm using it for my best man speech." Harry replied, cheekily.

"No you're not!" Ron protested.

"Watch me."

They both laughed and there was a moment of friendly silence before Ron spoke again.

"Merlin, I'm getting married. To _Malfoy." _

Both of them shuddered.

"Well, I mean, you don't know that for sure. Who knows, maybe the order will find a way out of it." Harry murmured hopefully.

"Mate, I hate to tell you this but there's no way out of this one." Ron said.

"Well, I don't know, maybe at the wedding I could hide under the invisibility cloak and after you say "I do" apparate you out of there. That way you didn't break the law and-"

"Harry, it's not going to work. Besides, I forbid you to attend the wedding. Even under the invisibility cloak."

"What? Why?"

"The room is going to be packed full of Death Eaters all waiting for the perfect time to kidnap Harry Potter. They are going to be expecting you there. And Hermione. I forbid Hermione from attending as well. You know what, I forbid everyone currently under this roof from attending the wedding. My family, Sirius, Remus, McGonagall, you, Hermione, and anyone else I've failed to mention are banned from going to the wedding." Ron said firmly.

"So it'll just be you and a bunch of Death Eaters."

"I know what you're thinking Harry but trust me; they wouldn't go through all this trouble just to kill me on the spot. I'll be fine. Besides, if they killed me they wouldn't learn anything valuable about you."

"You're really going through with this aren't you?" Harry asked.

"I don't exactly see any other options, do you?"

"Well, there is-"

"Not the plan again." Ron groaned.

"Hello?" Hermione peaked her head in. "Your mother says it's time for lunch."

"Alright." They both got up and headed down to the kitchen.

While they were eating lunch a gorgeous eagle owl fluttered in through the fireplace. Flying over, it perched regally on the table and stuck its leg out, hooting impatiently at Ron.

"Prissy little thing, aren't you?" Ron muttered. Untying the letter he glanced down at the red crest that sealed it. "Well, that explains it. Malfoy has sent me a letter." Ron said, holding up the envelope.

"Well, what does it say?" Ginny asked.

Opening the envelope, Ron pulled out the letter and read it aloud, mocking Draco's voice.

_Dear Weasel,_

_As I'm sure you already know, I have the unfortunate duty of becoming your husband. Seeing as how I refuse to live in that shit hole (_"Ron!" "What, that's what it says?") _you call a house; it is also my unfortunate duty to take you in. I have discussed the matter with my family and we have agreed that you are to pack your bags and arrive here on the 21__st__ to prepare for the wedding. This is not a question, it's an order._

_Sincerely, _

_Draco Abraxas Malfoy_

"Who the hell does he think he is?" Ron yelled after finishing the letter. ""This is not a question, it's an order." Where does he come off thinking he can order me around? Stupid soon-to-be-dead Husband." Ron muttered, grabbing a quill and some parchment.

"Ron, what are you going to do?" Hermione asked, hesitantly.

"I'm writing that bastard a note."

It showed just how unnerved she was that Molly didn't yell at Ron for his choice of words.

Everyone watched with interest as Ron wrote furiously on the piece of paper.

"Ron, you can't send that!" Hermione yelled after the boy finished writing the letter.

"I don't know, I think it's rather pleasant." Sirius muttered, staring at the letter happily.

Harry was sitting by Hermione, lips twitching and eyes glittering in amusement.

"I'm sending it whether you like it or not." Ron said, quickly tying the letter to the still waiting eagle owl before anyone could argue with him. "There, now take that to your stupid ugly owner."

The owl hooted haughtily before flying up the fireplace.

**Draco:**

Draco hated his father. He truly did. Why'd he have to pick such an insane guy to work for? If his father could just have been more self-serving then Draco wouldn't be in this situation. Having to marry a weasel? It was disgraceful!

His moping was soon interrupted by a hoot as Artemis flew through the open window. Flying onto the desk by Draco he stuck his leg out, nipping at Draco's fingers playfully as he went to untie the note.

Staring down at the nearly illegible writing, frustration and anger built inside of Draco.

_Dear Conceited Jerk,_

_As I'm sure you already know, just because I have the even more unfortunate task of having to look at your ugly ferrety face for the rest of my life (which, considering recent events, I may just end as soon as possible) does not mean that I'm your slave. I will not be going to your house on the 21__st__ nor will I be working out wedding arrangements with you. Whine to me as much as you like but I refuse to listen to your stupid, annoying, prissy voice and I don't plan on following your orders like a lap dog. So you can just shove them back up your ass where the rest of your disfigured he's located!_

_Insincerely,_

_Your Soon-to-be-very-unhappy husband_

_P.S. Bastard._

Draco seethed. How dare the weasel speak to him in such a way? He would pay for his insubordinate behavior!

**Ron:**

The inhabitants of Number 12 Grimmauld sat boisterously around the table, eating a feast that Molly had prepared. The twins were causing their usual ruckus, Sirius and Remus were bickering like an old married couple (which they practically were,) Hermione and Arthur were chatting about muggle inventions, and Harry and Ron were talking jovially of Quidditch. They were all so preoccupied that they didn't notice the owl eyeing them hesitantly from the window sill. It had flown in through the chimney earlier but didn't seem too happy about the though of approaching the table.

Hooting irritably it managed to catch the attention of those sitting nearby.

"Oh great. He's sent a reply." Ron grumbled.

Getting up from his seat he untied the letter, earning a bite from the birth that then flew away.

"Merlin's beard!" Ron exclaimed, sucking on his now bleeding hand.

_Weasel,_

_How dare you show such disrespect to your superior? I know your miniscule brain hasn't processed this yet but we are going to be married and as my wife you are to follow my orders! You WILL be coming on the 21t but I've reconsidered allowing you to help plan the wedding. Merlin knows what you'd plan! A nice ceremony in the pig sty perhaps? And after we say "I do" they'll release a flock of chickens?_

_Signed,_

_Draco Malfoy_

Ron looked up at the group of people staring at him. He'd just finished reading the letter aloud and, looking at them in shock, he asked one question.

"Oi, why do I have to be the wife?"


	2. Chapter 3

Ron heaved a contented sigh at the sight of his familiar orange walls and Chudley Cannon posters. The residents of Grimmauld Place had relocated to The Burrow temporarily for Draco's arrival. After continuous arguments and a lot of angry letters Ron and Draco had finally come to an agreement.

The Malfoy family would be coming to stay at The Burrow on the 21st then they would hold the bonding ceremony that weekend. After that was over with Ron would go home with the Malfoys and stay there until school started. It was a ridiculously optimistic view on how things would really go and the arrangements definitely required a lot of compromises on Ron's part but at least it got things out of the way.

Sighing Ron rubbed his hand over his face and groaned. Things were bound to go to pot. Getting up he walked out of his room and into the usual chaos of the Weasley household.

The Malfoys stood at the end of the driveway, staring up at the house (farm?) in complete and utter dismay. Draco could feel his very soul wither inside his body.

"You've got to be kidding me?" Draco muttered.

"I didn't know people could be this…poor." Narcissa said from beside him.

Out of all three of them Lucius's reaction was the best. His mouth was twisted in a diagonal oval and his right eye twitched repeatedly.

Slowly, very slowly, they made their way towards the house, looking around themselves in disgust.

Draco had tried to imagine Weasley's house many times before but no horror he concocted could compare to the real thing. The house itself appeared quite quaint and even a little…cute, dare he say it, if not a little cramped. But they had pigs!! And chickens!! Dear lord, it was a farm! He was going to be staying on a farm for five days. Oh, this would not bode well for his sanity.

Lucius knocked lightly on the door, schooling his face into a bored expression.

_Crash!_

The sound of something glass breaking made them all jump a little.

"-I'll smack you so hard you won't be able to eat for a week." An elderly lady with red hair was standing before them, holding the door open and yelling at someone they couldn't see. "Oh, hello there." She said cheerfully, smiling at them. "Come in, come in."

They entered the house hesitantly, stepping into a room that appeared to be the kitchen.

The sink water was running and they could see the dishes washing themselves. Some knit ware was in the corner, the little needles weaving in and out of the fabric, forming what appeared to be a blue sweater with an M on it.

"Bill! Charlie! Get in here." Molly yelled.

Two men walked into the room.

"Yes mum." The taller one with the braid said.

"Take the Malfoy's suitcases and show them to their room."

The two guys looked over at them, a small frown coming to their lips.

"Well, come on then." They said, grabbing the bags and leading them out of the room.

They entered into a cozy looking room, filled with over stuffed arm chairs and random knick knacks. A big basket full of yarn sat in the corner and the floor was covered in various, hand knitted blankets and carpets. It was very…colorful.

"Oi, Fred! Fred, put me down!"

Draco looked up at the scream only to see Ron being dangled over the banister by one of the twins. He had his arms wrapped under Ron's armpits, whose long sleeved green shirt slid upwards, revealing his stomach and the faded blue jeans that hung lowly on his hips.

**A/N: Yeah, I really needed to describe that. Come on, think about Ron in a somewhat baggy, loose fitting, dark green, long sleeved shirt and faded blue jeans. Isn't he cute!! Come on, you would so glomp him. And pay attention cause the green shirt shows up again. It's later on but…drools Also, I'd like to remind everyone, before the story gets really…interesting, that it's rated M for a reason. A very beautiful amazing reason but yeah. Anyway, if you're squeamish about sex scenes I'll try to mark them for you but I've already planned out five for the story so…my bad. Hey, I'm trying to breach the gap between BottomRon and TopRon (lol, sounds like Top Ramen.) sex stories. And if I make this chapter really sexual I'm sorry but…I'm really hormonal at the moment and very eager to write Measley smex. Which, by the way, I fully support other people using the term Measley for the pairing. You guys probably figured that out but I just wanted to make sure you knew. I know the official term for the relationship is Dron but that sounds too similar to Drone which snoooooze. **

Ron stared down at the first floor landing, eyes wide. His legs were curled upwards and he kicked slightly with his feet, as if that would somehow propel him through the air.

**A/N: Awwww. Like a little kitten. I'm sorry, I just really love the image of Ron being dangled by Fred, all afraid and curled up, shirt riding up (drool). It would be so adorable. Yeah, I kinda almost went on a Fred/Ron rampage during this part. (hey, WeasleyBrotherCest is freaking hot, especially when it's Fred/Ron….mmmm….love Fred/Ron…in fact, that's my next story…pairing thingy….mmmmm, damn, I really need to get this out of my system Wanders off to DarkElixer66's profile Man Elixer, you really deserve a cookie. I've practically become her (his?) personal stalker. It's a little scary. Come on everyone! Give her (I'm making an assumption, if your not of the female gender, don't be offended, if you are, don't be offended that I doubted your femininity. Hey, I'm still trying to figure out my gender, believe it!...And identity too. Apparently in the last three seconds I became Naruto…man, now I want ramen.) ….O.o Was that too long? That was too long. rewind Come on everyone! Give her a great big hug!! Except for me, I'll stand over in this corner. Hey, the restraining order said 15 feet. **

"I swear to Merlin Fred…if you drop me…" Ron trailed off as Fred loosened his grip a little.

"Come on Ronniekins. We just want to test our new product. Besides, you offered to help." George said, holding up a little pea looking thing.

"I said "Is there anything I can help you with?" That's not the same thing!"

"Ron, relax, it'll work." Fred whispered into his ear.

"You ready?" George asked.

"Ready."

"Heads up!" George yelled and threw the pea onto the first floor as Fred let go of Ron.

The pea hit the ground and exploded with a _Pwoof_, smoke filling the room.

As the room cleared out everyone stared at the scene before them in shock and horror. It was terrible. It was horrible. It was white. And frilly.

**A/N: Try this link and you should be able to see what I'm getting at. evil snicker**

**Link:**

****

**http : / www .mooncostumes. com /image/563**

**Amazing, no?**

Standing before them was Ron, in a white, frilly, red polka dotted, red bow wrapped around the waist, impossibly short dress that barely reached the tips of his thighs. He had a poofy, strawberry shortcake hat on his head and an oversized lollipop clutched in his right hand. That wasn't even the worst of it. Fortunately for Ron, Draco had taken it upon himself to save him. Unfortunately for Draco he was now lying on the ground with Ron straddling him, hands on his chest.

"Ron, there is something very wrong with you." Fred said, staring down at his little brother.

"Oi!" Ron yelled indignanty, standing up and shaking his lollipop at Fred.

He stomped his way towards the stairs but ended up stumbling and loosing his balance. Glancing down at his feet he saw them strapped in red high heels.

"It's not like I wanted this to happen." Ron snapped, glaring up at the twins.

"Actually, you did." Fred said.

"We designed the pea to activate whatever the person desires. We were going to use it in emergency situations for a fast get away. You know, distraction when we're being chased, cushioning if we have to jump from a high place. The only problem is it only works in high stress situations."

"Well, obviously there's something wrong with it." Draco said, grimacing as he sat up.

"That's impossible. We tested it ourselves. It worked every time."

There was a slight pause and everyone turned to look at Ron, whose face was completely red.

There were no sounds except for Pig and Hedwig twittering away on the windowsill.

"You know Gred." George spoke up, drawing everyone's attention away from the embarrassed teen. "We never did test it with more than two people in the room."

"You're right Forge. Maybe it fed off of somebody else's desires?" Fred's eyes lit up.

They stared at each other before looking down at Draco in disgust.

"Ewww."

"Malfoy that's absolutely disgusting." Fred yelled.

"What makes you think it was me?!" Draco said indignantly.

"Who else would want to see little Ronnikins in…that?" George asked.

"Maybe it's a good thing you guys are getting married." Fred grumbled.

George turned to Fred, face lighting up again.

"Hey, Gred, maybe we can design it to do this every time."

They started walking excitedly to their room.

"Hey, Forge, we should call this the Princess Pea." They heard Fred say and manical chuckles echoed from the upstairs hallway.

Hedwig sat on the windowsill, looking at Ron before turning her smaller companion.

"_**Pig." **_She said. _**"You are one sick individual."**_

The hyperactive bird gave a perverted snicker.

"_**You have to admit, he looks damn fine in that outfit!" **_The small bird twittered excitedly, eyes roving over his master's body.

**A/N: Oh NOES!! It's a love triangle! Hmmm, should he go with Draco or the owl? I'm kind of in love with Pig right now, though, because, let's face it, Ron would look absolutely SMEXY in a lollipop girl outfit. I mean, WOW!! That reminds me of this one time like three years ago when I found a story about Snape and an owl. THAT was weird. I didn't actually read it, I was too afraid. But now I wish I would've. Too bad I can't find it anymore. I also found a story about Snape and a pancake. I actually read that one. It was interesting to say the least. Made me laugh. Then there was this one about Remus and a book. Yep, first additions turn our little Remi on apparently. My favorite story though was about Ron and a Teaspoon. Man that was great. His dying moments and he does it with a teaspoon. It was from the teaspoon's point of view, too! Did you know there's a story out there about Krackle from Rice Krispies and Tony the tiger? …..What? NO, there seriously is!! I'm not joking. They do it in a tree house when there's a thunderstorm (Or I'm really sure there was) outside. Actually Tony kinda just raped Krackle but our little crispy elf REALLY enjoyed it. Or maybe he didn't….well, he STARTED TO. In the end they were both happy. Well, Krackle was unconscious…but TONY was happy. Well, satisfied more or less. Then he mused on how he'd have to thank his agent or something like that for the…uh… 'Present.' Yep. And I read that. ALL the way to the end. Hey, don't look at me like that, it wasn't THAT bad. It's could've been worse. There could've been….well, okay, it probably couldn't have been much worse without going into weird unspeakable areas (lol, dirty). DON'T JUDGE ME!!**

**P.S. Man, now I wanna find it again. What? ….Oh, COME ON!! It's FUNNY!! **

……**man, you guys are a bunch of soil warts.**

**SmartassReviewer: I think you mean Spoil sports. **

**A/N: I will kill you!! With CHEESE!! **

**SmartassReviewer (sarcastically): Oh no, I'm so scared. **

**A/N (pulls out cheese): Oh, it's on!!**

**SmartassReviewer (still sarcastically): Oh no, how shall I ever survive? I'm quaking where I stand. If I was any more scared- (cheesed)**

**A/N: MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!! Next time it'll be pudding. **

There was another _Pwoof_ and Ron's clothes went back to normal. Heaving a sigh of relief he turned towards the group behind him.

"Bill, Charlie. Thanks for the help." He said sarcastically.

"Well, Ronniekins. Since we found you why don't you show little Dracie-poo over here to your room. Great, thanks." Bill said in a rush, dashing off with Charlie, dragging Mr. and Mrs. Malfoy with him.

"Ronniekins?" Draco asked with a smirk.

"Dracie-poo." Ron shot back, grabbing his hand and leading him up the stairs.

"Oh, Weasley, I get tingly all over when you say that. And I do mean _all _over." Draco sneered.

Ron's face went an astounding shade of red before he let go of Draco's hand, tucking his into his pockets nervously. The taller boy smirked behind him.

"Wait." Ron said, stopping. "Did Bill say _my _room?"

The two boys looked at each other horrified.

The two boys sat on the bed awkwardly, refusing to look at each other. It turned out that not only did they have to share Ron's rooms but apparently the family had seen fit to make them share a bed as well.

Draco would be lying if he said he didn't like The Weasel's room then again Malfoys weren't known for their honesty.

He looked around the tiny space in fascination. Chudley Cannon posters adorned nearly every surface and there was quite a bit of clutter. There was a desk under the window (which had a pretty nice view of the grounds around their house) and on it sat a bird cage. A dresser was across from the bed with pictures of the Weasley family, the trio, and several odd knick knacks here and there. He recognized one of the clippings from the Daily Prophet of the time the Weasley family won that contest and went to Egypt. He could see that stupid rat Scabbers sitting on Ron's shoulder and he turned away guiltily.

**A/N: Haven't any of you guys ever wondered about Draco's reaction to the whole Peter Pettigrew/Scabbers/Ron's rat thing? I have ALL the time. I mean, hello…? Didn't he know that Ron's rat was a Death Eater in disguise. He at least learned about it at one point. Man, there are so many moments where I wondered what's going through Draco's head. Remember the second Triwizard task? What was going on in Draco's head when Harry saved Ron from the mermaids? Better yet how did he react seeing Ron's all wet, school clothes clinging to his body. Come on, we all saw him eyeing him in the fourth movie. Also, wasn't Ron just super-fantabulously gay in that movie? I loved it. Not too fond of the movie in general but Ron was fantastic in it. See, this is actually an amazing authors not. I'm **_**musing **_**not **_**ranting**_**. Geez, don't look so disappointed, I had valid points. God, I love Measley. Also, putting a lot of sexual tension in this chapter. Don't care if it seems too soon you guys read the first five books so (even if I'm not completely sticking to the books coughSiriuscough) I think there's been enough build up to the sexual tension. Gotta love the Fifth book!! Sorry, not really counting the sixth book in all of this. So…yeah.**

"So…this is your room." Draco said, tapping his feet against the floor awkwardly.

"Yep." Ron said, rubbing the back of his neck.

Draco looked over at Ron.

He admired how much the boy had grown. His hair went to his shoulders and his bangs hung in front of his face. His build had broadened significantly and he now towered over Draco by three inches easy.

**A/N: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!! You guys thought I was serious didn't you?! OMG!! No, that's gross. That's absolutely disgusting…..(reads what she just wrote) twitch Must…Fix…Now**

Draco looked over at Ron.

He hadn't changed much from sixth year actually. He was still only slightly muscular and he still had the same girly hair and he was still shorter than Draco; which, of course, gave the young Malfoy endless amounts of smugness. Actually he hadn't changed much from fourth year now that he mentioned it.

Ron looked over at him, making eye contact, and Draco found that he couldn't breath. Green eyes shined up at him, beautiful and breathtaking and the blonde couldn't help but drown in them. To his surprise Draco found himself leaning forward slightly…just a little hesitantly. An adorable pink tint coloured Ron's face and his breath began to increase as he stared down at Draco's lips, drawing nearer.

They were now only centimeters away, breath mingling together. Their lips were almost touching when-

"OH SWEET MERLIN!!"

They looked over with wide eyes to see Ginny and Hermione standing in the doorway. Hermione was staring at them in shock, hand up to cover her mouth and eyes in big round O's. Ginny on the other hand was clutching Hermione's shoulder, bent over and gasping for air as she laughed her head off.

Ron blushed and looked close to tears while Draco just looked annoyed. He'd been so close to kissing the Weasel but no, naturally the life force that hated him had to go and make the Mudblood and the Weasley girl interrupt them.

"You guys…were actually going to…Merlin Ron…that's priceless!!" Ginny gasped out between giggles.

Hermione quickly got over her shock and joined Ginny in a furious giggle fit.

Ron looked over at them, hoping desperately for the ground to open up and eat him.

"Merlin, I wish I had a camera!" Ginny exclaimed, relaxing into a smirk that could rival Draco's.

"What did you guys come up here for anyway?" The blonde boy snapped irritably.

The two girls smiled knowingly.

"Dinner's ready. We're eating in the back yard." Hermione said and the two girls laughed, talking excitedly.

"We should…uh…we should go down." The red head said awkwardly, refusing to look at him.

Draco growled angrily. He had no idea what had come over him. There was no reason he should be angry at the girls, after all they kept him from making one of the biggest mistakes of his life. There is no way in hell he'd want to kiss the stupid Weasel. Absolutely no possible reason. Now all he needed to figure out was why he still felt an urge to do it.

The journey to the back yard couldn't have been more awkward. If not for the reason that he'd almost kissed the shorter boy than for the reason that he had to restrain himself from checking the other boy out. And when he did find himself eyeing the other boy he had to wonder why in the world he was suddenly rampaged with thoughts of how attractive the boy was. Not that he hadn't had those before but…that didn't mean anything. Draco liked…boobs…or…whatever girls have. Besides, finding Ron attractive meant nothing. He looked exactly like a girl anyway. If not for that unmistakable masculine quality one would have lived their life happily thinking that he was female. Well…until he took his clothes off at least. The penis kind of ruins it for you. Or makes it better…depends on who you are really. Dammit, these were definitely un-Malfoy thoughts. Wait, when had he started looking at Weasley's ass? Yes, this would be a very happy week indeed.

They stepped into the backyard and Draco almost fell over. How could anyone fit so much food onto one table? It was piled high with plate after plate and, while there were a lot of people gathered around the table (man, how many kids did two people need?) there was no way they could eat that much! It's a wonder the Weasley children weren't fat.

He also almost fell because once they stepped into the back yard a quiet immediately took over the table, everyones attention turned to them. And it was obvious from the winks and snickers from the kids and the awkward, wide eyed glances from (most) of the adults that they had been informed of the little mishap upstairs. Draco could clearly see his father smirking at him from his seat at the table and groaned when the infernal man gave him a cheeky thumbs up.

The twins began to catcall from where they were seated and the two boys hesitantly made their way to the table, sitting down in the seats designated for them.

"So…how'd it go?" Lucius asked from his place beside Draco.

"Fine." Draco growled out from clenched teeth.

"You used protection right?"

"Dad!!"

"As your father I have every right to-"

Draco buried his head in his hands and tuned him out.

Ron wasn't doing much better from his seat beside him.

"So, Ronniekins…that was fast. We only just heard. Dracie-poo's sprinklers must've gone off early." Fred said from his place across from them.

"His firework show started late and finished early." George chipped in.

"His owl flew off before you gave it the letter."

"He hit checkmate before you could make the first move."

"His snap exloded."

"His wand went off."

"Shut up, guys, we didn't even do anything." Ron hissed.

"Wow, so he's a REALLY early finisher. I pity you Ron." George said.

The twins continued on some tirade about marriage and kids and impotency or something like that. At this point Draco had quit paying attention and Ron got distracted by Draco growling from somewhere behind his hands.

"Permission to kill them?" Draco said, turning to Ron.

"Well, Draco Malfoy asking for permission. Is the world ending?" Ron said, smirking at the infuriated boy.

"If the evening continues like this it very well might."

There was a slight pause.

"How would you do it?" Ron asked, gesturing towards the twins.

"Slow and painful." Was the snarled reply.

"Wouldn't somebody notice, though?"

"I would do it in some abandoned place where nobody would find us."

"But what about the bodies?"

"I would bury them at Malfoy Manor. Nobody would ever find them."

"Ah, but how would you lure them to some abandoned place?"

"….Hmmm….I hadn't thought about it."

"….I know. You could send them a note saying you found a rare herb that causes whoever ingests it to turn into a giant pink elephant that farts bubbles." Ron said smugly.

The two boys looked at each other for a few seconds before a waterfall of laughter erupted from their throats.

Suffice it to say that the rest of the table was painfully concerned.

Draco and Ron were surprised to find that, between the regular chaos of the Weasley family and Molly bustling around complaining about how skinny they both were and how they needed to eat, they had a rather pleasant evening and conversation had passed easily between the two boys…well, with a combined effort of course. There was still an obvious layer of tension.

The rest of the evening passed by quite nicely until trouble, once again, reared its ugly head. Everyone had gotten tired and with wedding plans tomorrow they decided to go to sleep.

The boys were now laying in Ron's small bed, Draco clad in his usual bed clothes of boxers and Ron in a t-shirt and flannel pants. They had their backs pressed against each other and the blanket stretched over both of them, staring wide eyed straight ahead of them.

Ron could feel the warmth of Draco's back through the thin cloth of his shirt, sending warm tingles down his spine. A blush tinted his cheeks, limbs shifting about awkwardly.

Draco found himself staring out the window, looking up at the stars. A cool breeze filtered through the room, the window having been left open for Pig. Yawning he flipped onto his stomach, burying his head into the pillow. Ron's scent filtered into his nose, lulling him to sleep.

**A/N: Yep, there you go. A fluffy end. Things weren't that dysfunctional in this chapter, I know. Sorry, it was a bit of a filler chapter I guess. Kind of get the story going. Trust me, next chapter, things are going to pot. Anyways….yeah. I know, this chapter took so long to write and it was pretty entertaining but I had to battle my way through an army of plot bunnies and then break down the wall of Writer's block. Anyway, review.**

**Right. I'm not doing review replies this chapter because, to be honest, I got way too many reviews. So, to all of you. HAVE A SUPERFANTABULOUS AMAZING GAY PORN OOMPA LOOMPA MEASLEY PRETZEL YOGA PICKLE COOKIE!! **


	3. Chapter 4

**A/N: I know it's been so long since I updated a chapter! I'm sorry about the delay, between school and my sister hogging the computer I haven't had much time for writing. And, believe it or not, I have been working on this chapter for a month! Yep, I wrote three freaking drafts (all at least four pages) before finally deciding on this one. And the plot changed in each one. The last draft I wrote was chalk full of sexual tension but it didn't fit and made the story move way too fast so I had to delete it. But I kept the wet dream cause that was way too amazing to throw away. I will definitely be using that one later. Also, I just want to say that although the last chapter was a filler chapter, I got an amazing idea from it for this chapter. So just go with it. Yep, it'll actually be relevant for the story line. Sort of. **

**Foreword: **

As you may all know in our last chapter Draco arrived at the Weasley house only to see Ron being dangled from the banister by Fred, dropped on the ground, then dressed like lollipop princess. He then almost made out with Ron then they went to dinner. Which was normal. Or it might have been, we only got a slight overview. It went nicely, Ron and Draco got along surprisingly well. But what we don't know was that most of that was in Draco's mind. Join us on the magical journey to find out what really happened.

**Chapter Four:**

Light streamed in from the window, landing on the face of a blonde boy who groaned and shoved his face under a pillow. He wasn't aware of much, just the consistent twittering of some infernal something-or-other that sounded suspiciously like a bird…or something, and the fact that he had an excruciating headache. Lifting the pillow he squinted, shielding his eyes and taking in his surroundings. The room didn't look at all familiar. It was small and covered completely in orange. Draco paused as his eyes landed on the dresser across from him. A picture glared up at him, showing an incredibly infuriating face.

"Why's Potter in my bedroom?" He slurred out groggily, turning over to find a painfully Weasel-ish face.

"BLOODY HELL?!" He screamed, falling out of the bed and landing on the floor with a loud _thump. _

Ron stared down at the blonde, having been awoken by the thump. The other boy was scowling at something across the room. He was very ruffled, lying in a rumpled half buttoned white shirt that was untucked and wrinkled black dress pants. His hair was sticking up, blonde locks poofy and tangled together.

"Malfoy? What are you-" Ron began.

"Shhhh…" Draco spat, hand held up half way in a motion to be quiet. "You!" He suddenly exclaimed. He stumbled upwards and pointed at something across from him. "Quit yer wavin'!" He ordered, staggering over to the red-heads dresser.

Ron grimaced as he realized Draco was yelling at a picture of Harry dressed in his Quidditch outfit and waving at the camera, broom gripped in his other hand.

"An' get outta my bedroom!" He yelled.

There was a moment of silence as Draco faltered a bit. He gave a loud 'hmph' and fumbled for something.

Seeing Draco drunkenly gripping his wand and challenging a picture to a duel would have been funny in any other situation but seeing as he could cause serious damage to himself and Ron's room, the smaller boy saw fit to intervene.

"Malfoy." He untangled himself from his blankets and walked hesitantly towards the other boy.

"Oh, so yer talkin' now? Well bring it on Potter!"

"Malfoy."

"Potter."

"Malfoy!"

"POTTER!!"

"Draco."

That got the boy's attention.

The blonde spun around, stumbling around for a bit before righting himself.

"Who said that?"

"Draco, it's me, Ron."

The drunken male looked around a bit before spotting the unnerved red-head standing before him.

"Ron. Ronnie, Ronnie, Ron." Draco muttered, wobbling forwards.

"You need to lay down. I don't know what's wrong with you but…Are you listening to me? Draco?" Ron asked as the other boy pressed against him.

"Like it when y'say m'name. Sounds sexy." The words were whispered in his ear followed by drunken giggling.

Ron blushed and tried desperately to ignore the fluttering in his stomach.

"Come on, let's get you into bed."

"Yes please."

"For _sleeping._" Ron grumbled, trying desperately to drag him to the mattress.

The boy was refusing to cooperate choosing instead to lean his weight on the smaller boy.

"Mmm…yer pretty." Draco mumbled, warm breath hitting Ron's face.

Stupid Malfoy, drunk off his ass and his breath doesn't even stink. Ron really needed to learn the fowl gits secret.

"It's official, you've gone insane."

"Oh but your blushing."

The red head glared up at Draco.

"Look, can we just go back to bed?"

"….depends what we're going to be doing." Was muttered from smirking lips along with another giggle.

"Draco could you just-mmph." Ron was interrupted by a pair of lips pressing against his.

His stomach twisted and fluttered, face turning a bright red.

"Mmmm…been wanting to do that for a long time." Draco said smiling before he closed his eyes and fell asleep, collapsing onto the younger boy.

"Oh no."

There was a giant thumping noise as Ron fell to the floor, the bigger boy landing on top of him and keeping him pinned.

_**Yesterday Evening (after Draco….hmmm… 'interrupted' dinner): **_

"What in the world is wrong with your son?!" Molly hissed.

The Malfoy and Weasley parents were sat at the kitchen table, cups of tea clutched in each of their hands. Everyone had gone to bed after Draco's….meltdown during dinner.

"Um…well. It's a long story." Narcissa muttered.

"Trust me, Arthur, Molly, I'm as in the dark as you are." Lucius said, pouring some sugar into his tea. Okay, not some sugar, most of the container. Lucius likes sweet things.

Molly and Arthur watched in interest as the white powder flowed into the cup for what seemed like forever.

"Mrs. Malfoy, perhaps you could explain?" Arthur said politely.

"Well, Draco's been in a bit of a rut, you see. Since the marriage was announced. He's been quite…upset."

"The little brat's been as pissy as a hedgehog in a waterloo." Lucius grumbled.

"Lucius maybe you should cut down on the sugar." Narcissa said gently, grabbing the sugar bowl and moving it out of the eldest Malfoy's grasp.

"Back to Draco?" Arthur cut in.

"Oh. Yes. Well, to be completely honest he wasn't the one sending letters to young Ronald about the arrangements. That was me. He was absolutely furious when he found out and even more so when he learned that we would be staying here for a week. He was yelling, a surprise I'll tell you. Usually he's so composed. So I just gave him something to relax a bit."

Molly looked at her horrified.

"What in the world did you give him?!"

"Oh…just a minor disorientation potion…laced with fire whiskey."

"Fire whiskey?!" Molly exclaimed. "But a disorientation potion already has the affect of alcohol. It's a wonder he can still walk!!"

Lucius stared at Narcissa before laughing hysterically.

"How deliciously horrendous!" He exclaimed. "You, my darling, are so very horrible." He purred out, running a hand down her arm suggestively.

"I could never compare to you my love. You positively leak slime." Narcissa said heatedly.

Lucius kissed her hand, slowly making his way up her arm.

A loud cough distracted them.

"How…long will the potion last?" Arthur asked hesitantly.

"Oh…a day or two…or three. I'm not really sure." Narcissa said offhandedly.

**(Today) Back In the Bedroom:**

"Hello? Anybody?" Ron called out, huffing from under the boulder weighing down upon him.

"Ron? Are you alright? I heard a thump and- OH MY GOD!" Hermione rushed over to him, Harry following close behind, and with a duel effort they managed to roll Draco off of the red faced red head quite easily.

"Oh man. Malfoy's really…fucking…heavy." Ron panted out, clutching his stomach as he gasped for air.

Draco snored lightly, drool leaking out of the side of his mouth.

"Merlin. We need to find out what the hells up with him." Harry muttered and the other two nodded their heads in agreement.

**BLERGH (Time Gap….still the same day though…Don't look at me like that, it's latin. Yeah, using the old language…of ancient times…fine…I lied…I was speaking cookie monster):**

"You what?!" Ron yelled, looking at the adult in horror.

"Well it was the only way we could come up with arrangements. You were both being so stubborn so I finally decided to take charge of the situation." Narcissa defended.

"So it was you who called me a sniveling hose bag?"

"I was trying to be realistic."

"And you who said I was a potbelly scoundrel that wouldn't know a decent day's work if it crawled up my butt, did the tango, then played Quidditch with my underwear?"

"It seemed like something Draco might say."

"And that if I wanted to make it in this world I would be best suited in finding a job that involved bending over the desk of a blonde haired heir to an enormous fortune?" Ron's brow furrowed.

Everyone looked over at her with wide eyes.

"What?"

"Moving on." Hermione said hastily. "So Draco's under the influence of a potion?"

"Yes."

It was confirmed by the aristocratic woman in a clipped tone. One would almost think she felt bad. For being caught at least. Though let's face it, giving your son a disorientation potion that makes him do str- oops, spoiler. Well…let's just say she didn't use a very subtle approach.

"That makes him sloshed off his arse?" Ron jumped in.

"Basically, yes."

"Well, this is just bloody fantastic." The red haired husband-to-be huffed.

"Oh Merlin!! I almost forgot! Happy Birthday Ron!" Molly cried, giving her youngest son a hug.

**Last Night at Dinner: **

Ron blushed furiously as his thoughts strayed back to the events that occurred in his room earlier. Shaking his head he tried to loosen the memory that clung to his mind, sucking out all his common sense and making him dizzy. It was nothing, it meant nothing. Draco's just off or something.

"Ronniekins." Draco hissed into his ear, sending a shiver up his spine that he pointedly ignored.

"Malfoy. Do you have to stand so close?" His voice was strained and jaw clenched.

They arrived at the bottom of the stairs.

"But it's a secret." It was slurred out followed by a giggle.

"What is it?" Ron asked, turning to face him.

"Your ass is sexy."

The boys face was coming entirely too close to the flustered boy and Ron turned around, hiding his ruby face.

"Ah, and there it is!" Draco squealed out.

Ron would have found the situation hilarious if he hadn't been involved. Or if Malfoy hadn't decided to pinch his butt after he declared that he found it…(cough)…to his liking.

"MALFOY!" Ron yelled, slapping the blonde bastards arm away from his hind quarters.

His cheeks flared up and he cupped his hands protectively around his rump.

Giddy laughter filtered into his ears as Draco hunched over, laughing heartily at him.

"You're so cute!" Draco laughed out.

Ron's anger had been stilled at the sound of Draco's laughter (musical and pure) until he heard the slurred statement that erupted from the ferret's mouth.

"I am not cute!" Ron protested, huffing and putting his hands on his hips.

"Boys! Quit messing around and come down for dinner!" Hermione yelled from the back yard doorway, staring at them in agitation.

"Alright, alright, we're com-EEK!" Ron screamed when a pair of lips pressed against his neck clumsily.

"Did you just say 'eek'?" Draco asked, smirking.

Ron and Hermione looked at him with wide eyes.

**RANT BREAK:**

**A/N: See, I warned you guys, so skip over it if you have a problem with it. Yeah, one person said they didn't like my notes because I had a tendency to ramble but….they can skip over them. Anyway, you will not believe how hard it's been to write this damn chapter. Writer's block's an ass and surprisingly enough these rants help me clear my head and make writing easier. Anyway, this is the point where my brain completely blanked. Moving on, I have a question for you guys. So any of you seen Lord of the Rings (not asking if you liked it just if you saw it)? Everybody, good. (for those of you who haven't you can still read this, it pretty much applies to everything and I'll explain stuff) So Legolas, this incredibly girly gorgeous male elf, and Aragorn, the hunky ranger guy, make for an amazingly sexy couple. My only problem is that every time I find a story that looks good (a.k.a Nc-17) the author makes Legolas the top. How annoying is that? I'm sorry to those of you who like dominant Legolas but I just can't see it. I don't know what's wrong with people but doesn't it seem like nobody can tell who'd be the dominant one if it slapped them in the face, chained them to a bed, and stuck a (censored) up there (censored) and (censored) (censored) (censored) until they (censored) with a (more censored) on a giant rubber ducky? I mean clearly the girly elf boy is probably going to get (censored) by the really uber hot masculine master fighter destined to become King, right? And clearly the really gay red-head nerd guy from Harry Potter is going to get (censored) by Draco Malfoy? And clearly Remus is going to get (cen…aw fuck it, this damn thing's rated M anyway) fucked by Sirius. And honestly fucking Naruto can't top Sasuke if he can't beat him in a fucking fight!! And fucking Ed can't top fucking Colonel Mustang. I mean WHAT THE HELL? He's like ten feet shorter then him for fucksake!! And why do people ALWAYS think that every gay couple in the world has to switch roles at least once. So what if Ron never fucks Draco into the mattress?! (gag) I'm pretty sure the dominating rich snob would be perfectly okay with that. Right Draco?**

**Draco: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, oh sweet Merlin!! Like Weasley could do that!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.**

**Ron: Hey!! I could so top you!**

**Draco: Yeah, good luck with that Weasel. Just wait till chapter 18 and see how well that works out. **

**Ron: Wait…what?**

**Draco (sing song voice): Nooothiiiiing.**

**A/N: Dammit you stupid ferret, that was a spoiler!! I can make you pay for that!!**

**Draco: How?**

**A/N: I'll….um…make you marry the Weasel.**

**Draco: Already doing that.**

**A/N: I'll…um…**

**Draco: Ha ha ha….**

**A/N: Don't laugh at me!! I'll fucking make you pie bitch!! I'll make you impregnate a horse and then I'll make you run off and get married to Spongebob and then I'll make Ron have sex with a smurf and then go throw up!**

**Draco: You'll make Ron throw up?**

**A/N: No, I'll go throw up. I can't believe I said all that (must…cleanse…soul) Forgive me MEASLEY LORD….Oh wait, that's me. Heh heh heh (slaps self in face) **

**Well, hey, I managed to kill some time and write a page and a half, I feel better. **

**(stares at horrified audience having seizures where they sit) Um….hello? (begins throwing rubber duckies at audience) FEAR MY BATH!!**

**BACK TO THE STORY:**

"Malfoy…let's…um…let's go to dinner." Ron stuttered, grabbing the drunken boys hand and dragging him the rest of the way to the yard.

Everyone looked over at them, glancing down at their hands and looking up with raised eyebrows.

"I see you two are getting along." Fred said with a smirk.

Ron blushed and let go of Draco's hand, taking his seat at the table. Draco followed him drunkenly, stumbling around until he collapsed in his seat next to Ron.

Draco sat silently for about half an hour, just staring in front of him with wide eyes and a gaping mouth. Ron glanced at him nervously throughout dinner, worried that the other boy might have died without them noticing it.

Ron moved his hand right in front of Draco's mouth, making sure the other boy was breathing. Suddenly the blonde boy grabbed his wrist, shaking it excitedly.

"Do you hear it?" He asked, face akin to a small child's on Christmas.

"….Hear what?" Ron asked, brows furrowing.

"The music!! Doesn't it just make you want to dance?!" Draco screamed excitedly, jumping to his feet on the bench he was seated on, drawing everyone's attention. "It's so beautiful and sexy. It just makes me want to….This ones for you Ronnikins!!" Draco yelled, climbing onto the picnic table and beginning to dance…um…seductively? Well, as seductively as a drunkard can.

"Oh sweet Merlin." Ron muttered as Draco's hands wandered down his shirt, flicking open buttons.

"Can you feel it Ron!! It's pulsating all around us!!" Draco yelled, shirtless and ankle deep in the bowl of mashed potatoes.

He hummed to some inaudible rhythm, running his hands along his chest and down to his belt.

Ron could clearly hear giggles arising from the table, mostly from Fred and George, and the horrified gasps of his parents. Glancing over he could see the Malfoys conversing with each other…well, more like flirting with each other, completely oblivious (or uncaring) to what was going on around them.

Draco's belt clanged down on the blushing red heads plate, soon followed by a pair of pants. Draco remained dancing around the table, one shoe on his foot and the other lodged deep into the poor defenseless potatoes.

Ron rolled his eyes and pursed his lips when he saw the twins giggling childishly and messing with the strap on Draco's blue boxers.

"Guys leave him a-"

"GNOMES!!" Draco said, leaping off the table with all the grace of a hippo and crumpling to the ground.

He quickly recovered and went running off to the forest.

"DANCE WITH ME GNOMES!!" His screaming voice grated against their ears.

They could see him grabbing an unfortunate garden gnome, pulling him into a mock-waltz.

"Malfoy! Malfoy, get back here!" Ron yelled, standing up.

The other boy remained oblivious.

"Malfoy…Ma…" Ron furrowed his brow in thought. "Draco!" He tried.

The other boy looked up in shock, dropping the nauseated gnome and running back to him.

"You're the prettiest girl I've ever met." He said, staring at him in fascination.

"Draco, just sit down." Ron groaned, pinching his nose in irritation.

"Yes my fair maiden." Draco proclaimed, taking his seat.

The meal passed in silence for several minutes until-

"Ha ha ha, potatoes." Draco giggled before collapsing face first into the white mush on his plate, light snores following soon after.

**1234-I-Declare-A-Penis-War:**

In retrospect Ron should have known something was off the moment Draco arrived. He'd been acting off the entire time. Nice, cooperative, a bit wobbly. Not at all like the prat he usually was. Then there was the part when he'd been running around the living room in circles screaming "I'll save you fair maiden!" And he did try to kill Pig afterwards. Something about stealing his lollipop.

Ron sighed, staring at the chess pieces and up at his opponent. Draco was holding two bishops up to his chest, batting his eyes and saying "Is it cold in here or is it just me."

After careful consideration Ron came to the conclusion that he would take a bratty, snobbish Draco over a drunk Draco anyday. And once they were married he'd be banned from all alcoholic substances.

……Ron wondered briefly if he should be concerned at how casually that thought entered his mind…..stupid Malfoy

**5678-Ronalds-Being-Anal-Raped….By Malfoy….And he likes it:**

Ron gaped at the sight before him, unable to tear his eyes away.

Everyone had relocated into the living room, handing Ron present after present. They'd had a (surprisingly) enjoyable birthday dinner, followed by a delicious cake, and had decided to go in here for the 'Unwrapping-of-the-Presents.' Malfoy had disappeared from the room after a "Oh, right, it's your birthday. I have a special present for you." He'd been gone for sometime, sauntering into the room after about half-an-hour, and the residents of the room gaped when they saw what had taken him so long. Draco had sauntered into the room, clad only in…nothing. The only thing remotely resembling clothing was the red bow wrapped around his…lets just say the thing that made him Draco and not Persephone.

"Oh dear god."

"Happy birthday Ronald." Draco said…drunkenly.

**Ron's Pov (OMG's….hey, it's been awhile):**

I can't believe Malfoy's doing this. Stupid Mrs. Malfoy and her stupid potions. And why must he look so hot. Dammit Ronald, don't look down, don't look down, don't look…oh dear god.

Merlin, Malfoy is such an idiot. What does he think he's doing. No, don't come any closer. Staaaayy, Bad Malfoy, I said stay. Wait, where did the whip come from. Somehow everyone had disappeared from the living room and it was just me and Draco. And the whip. And an ancient torture device.

I tried to yell but my mouth was muffled by the ball gag, hands and legs being stretched out by the straps attached to the wooden slap.

**Draco's POV:**

I lifted up the whip, wobbling a bit and grinning. My hands began to shake and I paused as I heard an incessant clucking. I turned around and saw Weasley's perverted owl directing a giant flock of Chickens through the open window. Dramatic music began to play as the chickens flew at us, clucking mischievously and attacking Ron and me simultaneously.

**Omniscient… Cause I'm just that Awesome:**

"And that is why we can't stay there."

**&**

"And that is why The Malfoy's can't stay here."

**&**

The two boys sat in there own individual houses, looking at their parents and praying that they would listen to reason and just call the whole thing off.

"Oh come now, you're being ridiculous." Their parents told them, much to their horror.

"Now we worked really hard making arrangements with little Ronald and this was the agreement. So be on your best behavior." Narcissa said, looking down at her son imploringly. "Now are you ready to go."

"Whatever." Draco grumbled, following his parents with a feeling of doom sinking into his stomach.

**&**

"Now Ron we worked really hard to make arrangements with Draco and this was the agreement, so be on your best behavior."

"Whatever." Ron grumbled.

**&**

The door open, revealing a morose looking Ron who greeted two cheerful (insane) looking Malfoys who entered the house gracefully, not even waiting to be invited in.

Draco stood there, looking as if doom had fallen on top of him, crushing his body in all fandoomish glory.

"Malfoy."

"Weasel."

"Stay away from the alcohol cabinet."

"Stay away from your owl."

"What?"

"Nothing."

**A/N: Um…..I had writers block. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it. No, I didn't edit this, so it's lower quality but whatever. This chapter took a lot out of me and it took two months to write the stupid thing. Please Review….nicely. **


	4. The Authors Prostate Note Exam

A/N: Hello Everybody

**A/N: Hello Everybody. Alright, Chapter Five isn't going so well. I'll get an idea and each time I go too write something down I get Writer's Block. Brilliant, right? So it might be a couple weeks before I update again, sort of like last chapter but I'm actually letting you guys know instead of leaving you hanging for a month. See, I can be nice. Also, love me, instead of posting just a plain old Authors Note I've given you guys a story completely independent of INP that I'm sure you'll love.**

**Rating: M**

**Pairing: Measley**

**Type: Oneshot**

**The Prostate Exam:**

Light filtered in through the windows, lighting up the wood flooring and illuminating the white walls.

Inside this room, just waking up, lay the youngest male Weasley, yawning and stretching in his bed. Sighing contently he looked over at his clock. 10:39 am. Ron rubbed his eyes and clambered out of bed, heading out into the living room.

"'Bout time you woke up." Harry said, untying the letter from an owl's leg then giving the bird a treat.

"Hey, not all of us can get up at as early as you." Ron said, going into the kitchen.

"I got up two hours ago. This letters for you by the way."

"Like I said, freak. What's it say?" Ron asked, pouring himself a glass of orange juice.

"You have a…prostate exam." Harry chuckled.

"What's so funny about that?"

"Oh…nothing."

Ron didn't know if his ears were just deceiving him this morning but that statement sounded oddly smug.

"Oh, mate, you better hurry! It's at 11:00." Harry said, voice slightly panicky.

"Oh bloody hell." Ron cursed, running into his room and changing into a pair of jeans and an orange Chudley Cannons t-shirt.

Rushing through his daily routine he struggled to put on his socks, brush his teeth, and put his shoes on at the same time.

Harry looked at his watch and furrowed his eyebrows.

"Sorry mate but I don't think you're going to make it. It's already 10:52."

"Oh sod it all." Ron groaned and tore his way through the apartment and almost rippedthe door off its hinges on his way out.

Harry looked down at the letter and smirked.

"That poor bastard." Harry muttered and smirked before going back to his newspaper.

**Don'tchyaWishYourGirlfriendWasHotLikeRon**

Ron panted and gasped as he burst through the waiting room doors to St. Mungos only three minutes late. With the help of a little magic he managed to arrive (sort of) in time.

He dashed to the receptionist desk, clutching at the counter as he gulped for air.

"I have a prostate exam!" Ron yelled.

Giggles arose from the people in the waiting room and the receptionist tried to hide a smile. Ron had a strong suspicion that he was missing something very important.

"Mr. Weasley?"

Ron nodded.

"Okay, looks like you can go right on back. Room A113."

"Um…Okay. Thank you." Ron said and headed back to the examination room.

The room was completely white with a little window to one side. It looked out onto the grounds surrounding the building and Ron sat contently on the examination bed, swinging his legs back and forth and looking at the trees and people bustling around outside.

Everybody was moving around in perfect synch together. Morphing into each other to form one giant blob. It reminded Ron of those dramatic movies you always see where the main characters always wondering down a busy street going ten times slower than everyone around him and having a mental breakdown. Those things are always so dramatic and sad in the movies but Ron bet if you actually witnessed it in person it would probably be really funny.

Don't get him wrong, it'd be sad, of course, but picture it. You're walking down the street and you see this guy in a business suit, shirt untucked, coat missing, hair sticking up in random places, walking down the street in a daze and bumping into everybody. Then, suddenly, he crumples to the ground and starts crying and screaming. You wouldn't thinking, oh, he lost everything near and dear to him and all he needs is a hug. No, you'd be thinking/yelling something more along the lines of "OH MY GOD, GET AWAY FROM THE CRAZY MAN!! RUN AWAY!! HE'S HAVING A BREAKDOWN!! OH NO HE'S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!"

"Well, hello Weasel. Long time no see."

Ron died. Ron died and he'd gone to hell for thinking other people's misery is funny because there's no way that he could be so unlucky that this was actually happening to him.

Gulping nervously, Ron turned his head to see Ultimate Doom standing to his right and wearing a lab-coat.

"Malfoy?" Ron squeaked.

Standing beside him was the former bane of his existence. The long, lean, tall former bane of his existence. The very muscular, long, lean, tall former bane of his existence that somehow managed to pull off silver rimmed glasses. Not spectacles, but glasses. Because spectacles would sound too nerdy to describe what Draco was wearing. Harry had certainly never looked that good in glasses. Now what Harry wore? Those were spectacles. Not that Harry looked bad in them mind you but….um…Ron didn't know where he was going with this but he decided to just stop before it got really out of hand. Sometimes he really worried for himself.

"That's Dr. Malfoy to you." Malfoy smirked, setting Ron's chart down on the counter.

"You're a Healer?"

"Ironic, isn't it?"

"Yeah…Wow. I always thought you'd be Supreme Dark Overlord of something."

"I tried but nobody would hire me."

Ron blinked and couldn't help the small smile that came to his lips. Hey, could you blame him? Malfoy made a joke and it was actually funny! STOP JUDGING HIM!!

"Take your shirt off."

Ron froze and his eyes went wide.

"Wait…what?"

"Take your shirt off. I need to listen to your heart beat." Draco said, gesturing with his stethoscope.

"Can't you listen to it with my shirt on?"

"I could but I think it would be too small for me."

Merlin! Another joke? How was Malfoy doing this?! If he didn't stop he'd kill himself. Didn't he know that Malfoy's can't handle joy? Maybe he's on something. He is a healer…probably hopped up on potions.

Ron was suddenly assaulted by a picture of Malfoy laying on the floor in the supply closet, surrounded by vials and a line of drool dribbling down his face.

Malfoy sighed.

"Weasel, come on, I don't have time for this."

"No, I don't want to." Ron said, looking ahead of him and crossing his arms.

"Quit being a child." Malfoy said from beside him, voice revealing his frustration.

"I am not "being a child."" Ron exclaimed, mocking Malfoy. "I just don't want to take my shirt off."

There was a moment of silence and Ron was sure he'd won this argument. That was until Draco moved in front of him, stepping between his dangling legs.

Ron gulped and looked up at Draco, breath hitching as their eyes met.

"Either you take it off or I take it off for you." Draco said, running a hand suggestively over Ron's thigh.

"I..I'll do it." Ron muttered and almost killed himself for stuttering.

"That's what I thought." Draco smirked, but he still didn't move.

Ron slowly brought his hands to the hem of his shirt and, in what seemed like slow motion, lifted it upwards, revealing his torso to Draco's hungry eyes. Not that Ron noticed.

Ron bit his lip and looked down at the floor as Draco pressed the cold metal to his chest.

Draco observed as the little red-head shifted around uncomfortably one the little hospital bed, face flushed and heart pounding through the stethoscope. The Healer smirked as he watched Ron chew on his bottom lip, brain flooded with dirty thoughts.

Ron glanced up at the blond through his eye lashes and his breath hitched. The way Malfoy's eyes were looking at him, all dark and half lidded, made Ron's blood run hot.

"You know, Mr. Weasley." Draco said, taking the stethoscope off and tossing it onto the counter. "I think…just to be safe, I should give you a complete physical."

"..M-Malfoy?" Ron squeaked, eyes wide.

"Please, call me Dr. Malfoy." Draco smirked.

"Dr. Malfoy." Ron said, cheeks staining a bright shade of red. That was probably one of the hottest things he'd ever heard and he decided he just might really want to say it again.

As Draco smashed their lips together he decided that he really liked being a Doctor.

Ron clutched at Draco's lab coat, moaning as Draco's tongue slid along his lips. Ron opened his mouth and Draco's tongue slipped into his mouth, licking and massaging against Ron's. It was the most pleasurable and dizzying sensations Ron had ever felt before.

A hand massaged its way up Ron's chest, pinching and massaging his nipple while the other one clutched at his hip.

"Oh." Ron gasped, breaking the kiss and tucking his head in Draco's neck.

Draco bent his head down, nipping and sucking on Ron's shoulder.

Ron let out a gasp as the taller boy pushed him down onto the bed. He gulped as Draco bent forward, back arching up in surprise when the movement caused an unbelievable friction between their erections.

Draco's tongue ran a hot trail up his stomach, licking his way along the quivering flesh until it moved to his chest, capturing a nipple between his lips and sucking on it.

Ron's eyes slipped shut and his mouth opened in a silent cry.

Ron's body writhed and spasmed as Draco continued to feast on it, kissing him on every possible surface. Draco continued to torture him until Ron was a moaning, needy mess.

"Now…Mr. Weasley." Draco gasped out, gazing down at Ron lasciviously. "Everything up here seems to be in order, but I still have to examine the rest of your body." Draco said, running a finger along the front of Ron's jeans.

"Oh merlin…." Ron moaned, clutching at Draco's arms desperately. "Please…Dr. Malfoy just…"

"Just what, Ron?" Draco whispered into Ron's ear, giving a little grind of his hips.

"Fuck me." Ron cried out desperately.

"With pleasure."

Draco's hands wondered down to Ron's jeans, pulling them off and Ron's Chudley Cannon boxers ("Really, Ron?" "Shut up, Draco.") And drinking in the view.

Ron was repositioned so that he stood with his back to Draco, hands clutching onto the hospital bed as Draco lowered one lubed finger to his entrance, pushing in gently.

Ron's breath hitched and he tensed as he felt the finger entering him.

"Relax." Draco whispered, nibbling on his earlobe.

Draco's other hand found its way to Ron's erection, teasing it gently.

Draco thrust his finger in and out of Ron, soon adding another one. Twisting and probing Draco found the spot that made Ron scream in pleasure.

Ron moaned as felt Draco add a third finger, biting his lip and clutching at the bed desperately. He was in a complete state of disarray caused by the pleasure Draco was giving him and yet Draco was the only thing keeping him grounded.

Ron gave a groan of disappointment as Draco removed his fingers, waiting with bated breath as Draco positioned himself at Ron's entrance.

Slowly, very slowly, the blond haired boy pushed himself in, stopping every now and then to let Ron adjust to the feeling.

The red haired boy let out a hiss as Draco slowly filled him, trying with all his might to relax. Draco's hand was on him once again, massaging his erection and sending sparks of pleasure through his body as he started to move, thrusting into him gently.

Ron gasped with each thrusts, moans starting to escape him as they got more pleasurable. His senses were over whelmed, invaded with this new sensation. Draco hit his prostate again and Ron nearly melted, thrusting backwards and moaning loudly.

"Oh…Draco."

The blond boy began to pick up speed until soon he was pounding into him, both boys gasping and moaning each other's names.

With one last mind-numbing thrust they both came.

Ron let out a whimper as Draco pulled out of him and turned to look at the other boy. Before either of them could say anything Ron's stomach let out a growl that probably could have been heard from China. He smiled sheepishly.

"Didn't eat breakfast this morning." Ron shrugged.

"It is the most important meal of the day." Draco lectured, zipping up his pants. "How about you come back to my place and we can shower and then go out to lunch." Draco said suggestively.

Ron blushed.

"Pervert."

"Is that a yes."

"Maybe. But…um…What about the uh…mess." Ron asked, gesturing to the bed only to see that where there should have been…well… you know, there wasn't. "Hey..what…?"

"It's a hospital, Ron. There's a spell that sort of…takes care of the mess for us. Keeps everything sanitary."

"Oh…Okay." Ron shrugged. "Well just let me get my….Draco?"

"Hmmm?" Draco said from where he was grabbing Ron's chart off the counter.

"Where're my clothes?"

"Oh…uh…Oops?"

"Oh bloody hell."

"Maybe there in the laundry room?"

"I am never having sex with you again."

"Oh, come on. Weasley, don't be like that!"

**A/N: Alrighty. Well, there you have it. Amazing story for all my little reviewers. Don't worry, they found Ron's clothes. They WERE in the laundry room. Though it was awkward having to explain how they got there to the nurses. Yeah, I know it wasn't the best sex scene ever but I got lazy. Plus now you have lower expectations so when you finally get the Measley sex you deserve you don't actually expect it to be good. But believe me. It's good. I already wrote it. Ooooh, if only you knew what you were missing. Don't worry, it'll be Chapter Seven so it's most definitely not that far away. **

**Oh wait, I almost forgot:**

"Hey Ron. How was the appointment." Harry greeted as Ron finally stepped into the apartment at 6:00 pm.

"It went pretty well." Ron said, blushing.

"Well that certainly took awhile. Did they find anything wrong?" Harry asked.

"No. I just ran into an old friend." Ron said, keeping his eyes averted.

"Really? Anyone I know?"

"Yeah. But it's not important. Hey, Harry? What's a Prostate Exam?"

"You're kidding right?"

"Nooo."

"You just had one didn't you?"

"Well…yeah, but it was a bit fuzzy."

"Hmmmm…Well I suppose I could give you a demonstration."

"Really?" Ron said hopefully.

"Yeah. But you're going to need to take your pants off." Harry said with a smirk that was eerily reminiscent of Malfoy.

"Pervert!"

_**THE END!! ….FOR NOW, MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!! Yep, everyone wants to get into poor Ronniekins pants. **_


End file.
